a collection of Jokes (explicit content warning!)

2006-03-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

Things That Irritate A Sane Person

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Airline Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

2005-12-23T01:18:00.000-08:00

Trivia

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'.

The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is
not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in
the ear.

Dalmatians are born without spots.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for 'and' (in civil proceedings] or 'against' (in criminal proceedings]

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids

The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee

Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks

The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die

Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate

When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red

When Hippos are upset, their sweat turns red

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor

The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney

2005-12-09T02:24:00.000-08:00

Q And A

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

2005-12-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

Rubber

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

Empty Head

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

True Meanings Of Male Statements

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Marriage Quotes

A perfect wife is one who helps her husband with the dishes.
- Anonymous

A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
- Andre Maurois

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.
- Joseph Barth

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.
- Andre Maurois, French writer

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
- George Jessel

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
- FTD customer

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
- Mae West, film actress

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
- Lord Byron

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
- Anonymous

Marriage isn't a word...it's a sentence.
- Anonymous

If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks.
- Cynthina Nelms

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.
- Cher

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
- Dr. Joyce Brothers

I've been married three times - and each time I married the right person.
- Margaret Mead

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

If ever two were one, then surely we. If ever man were loved by wife, then thee.
- Anne Bradstreet, To My Dear and Loving Husband

True love means two seeds grow separately until they join in Matrimony forever.
- Alex, FTD customer

2005-12-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

Airline Humor

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots.

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

2005-12-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

Things You Won't Hear A Woman Say

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Please do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?
10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
13. Honey... our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
14. No, no, I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
17. I fully understand...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
19. Not the fucking mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint?
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

Funny Short Messages

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
I've changed my mind .

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
- I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
Almost lifelike!

When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
- Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
- Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
- I'd miss you terribly and think of you often

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep.

Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
What the hell was I thinking

I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're still here.

Thank you for being part of my life....
I never knew what evil was until I met you!

Congratulations on your wedding day!...
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How can I say this....
Your cooking kills me

Hooray.....
- You're divorced.

I just want you to knowthat I'm sorry for what happened...
- Especially since you survived.

Congrats on getting married...
It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

Someday I hope to marry...
Someone other than you.

We have been friends for a very long time...
What do you say we stop?

2005-12-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

Trivia ~ Useful Info?

. The backbone of a camel is perfectly straight.

. The windows in an empty house will never frost no matter how low the temperature is.

. There are 47 different types of headaches.

. Jahangir, the Mughal Emperor, owned the largest collection of gems.

. An average scalp has 100,000 hairs.

. There is no soda in soda-water.

. No two zebras are striped alike.

. The horn of the rhinoceros is not bone, it is hairs.

. An ostrich egg is big enough to make an omelette for 12 people.

. There are 8600 kinds of birds.

. A human being drinks 27 tons of water a year.

. A butterfly should warm its body up to 81*F before flying.

. In the New York zoo there is a tortoise who is 80 years old and weighs 175 kilos.

. The biggest cell is the egg of an ostrich.

. In Asia, Sri Lanka is called the "eye donor".

. Pakistan ,India and Burma got independence in the same year, that is, 1947.

. One common cell has 1.5 volts.

. A whale can swim for three months without eating.

. There are about 15,000 kinds of roses.

. Human blood is six times thicker than water.

. There are about 1,000 different religions in the world.

. The most common animal on the earth is a sea-worm. Their number is estimated to be around 40,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

2005-11-16T08:54:00.000-08:00

100 Ways to confuse your roommate

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath
the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this rocess for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again,
continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837 9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "d*mn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

1. Every morning, when you get up, say, "Well, time to go to class." Sit on your bed and act like you're turning your room key in the ignition. Then act like you're driving, turning an invisible steering wheel and making, "Rrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" engine sounds. Then, one day, chug a few beers before "driving" to class. Make the "Rrrrrrrrrrr" sounds, and then say, "Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech" and act like you've had a car accident. Fling yourself off the bed and across the room, and pretend to be hurt. Spend the day in bed with an icepack on your forehead.
2. Whenever your roommate sneezes, immediately call the Rescue Squad and report that your roommate is spreading a highly contageous, infectious disease around the building. If your roommate protests, go on a tangent about health codes.
3. Every night, when you do your homework, put a balloon on the chair before you sit down. When the balloon breaks, act like you've been startled. Scream continuously for two minutes. Then, stop suddenly and start on your homework, as if nothing happened.
4. Wear earmuffs, all the time. Act like you can never understand what your roommate is saying. Pick up the phone at random, say "Hello?", and act confused, as if you don't understand why nobody's there. Answer the door at random, as if somebody had knocked, and look around the hallway as if somebody's supposed to be there. After about a week, stop wearing the earmuffs, and advise your roommate to never buy a hearing aid at a garage sale.
5. When you return from a class, instead of opening the door, break it down with a big piece of lumber. Tell your roommate you forgot your key. Every night, when your roommate comes home, wait on the other side of the door. When your roommate opens the door, act like he/she hit you in the head, and that you've been knocked unconcious. Spend the night sleeping on the floor. After about a week, go to bed as you normally would. Complain loudly that you can't sleep.
6. Get lots of tomatoes. Sit with them in a corner of the room and have secret meetings. Inform your roommate that you have been nominated for president of the tomatoes. Put up campaign posters around the room. Select one tomato to be your campaign manager. Make speeches in front of the tomatoes. Then, one day, when your roommate comes back, give him/her a jar of tomato sauce, go on a tirade about fixed elections, and tell him/her that you really didn't want to be president of the tomatoes anyway.
7. Get a hamster. Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel. Whenever the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and jog in place. Tell your roommate that the hamster is your "personal trainer." Someplace outside the room, let your roommate catch you eating a candy bar. Beg him/her not to tell the hamster about it.
8. After you take a shower, instead of drying yourself with a towel, stand in the middle of the room and spin around 100 times. Spend an hour in bed, complaining that you feel dizzy and sick.
9. Chew gum often. When you're finished chewing it, store it in a drawer until you've amassed a huge wad of used gum. If your roommate inquires, go on a tangent about recycling. When the gum wad gets big enough, sit it in front of the TV and let it watch cartoons. Complain to your roommate that the gum wad never watches anything educational.
10. Stick your head out the door and announce whatever your roommate is doing to the rest of the building. "He/She's getting out a book!" "He/She's taking out his/her glasses!" Go around the building and take requests for what people would like your roommate to do. Report the results to your roommate.
11. Bring your roommate gifts, but act angry and upset when you give them to him/her. If your roommate inquires, yell at him/her and shout "It is better to give than to receive, you stupid moron!"
12. Get a duck. While your roommate is out, put on some dance music, and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, let him/her catch you dancing with the duck. Act surprised, turn off the music, and immediately go to bed. Get rid of the duck, and refuse to ever acknowledge that the incident occurred.
13. Turn out all the lights, and wait for your roommate to come home. When he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a golf club. Apologize, and explain that you thought he/she was a burglar.
14. Make your roommate show you two forms of ID before you let him/her use the telephone, microwave, etc. If he/she ever refuses, scream for help, and accuse your roommate of being an imposter.
15. Whenever your roommate wears something red, act like a bull and charge him/her with your head, knocking him/her down if possible. Suggest that your roommate sign up for matador lessons.
16. If your roommate snores, make a tape recording of it. Play it at full volume out your window. Tell your roommate that you're trying to summon a hippopotamus.
17. Every time you want to leave the room, stand and knock at the door until someone in the hall lets you out. If your roommate inquires, give him/her a lecture on politeness.
18. Collect various types of insects. Keep them in jars. Complain to your roommate that the insects seem lathargic. Start running bingo games for the insects. One day, while your roommate is out, release the insects and paint insect bites and bee stings on your body. When your roomate returns, advise him/her to never cheat while playing with bingo-obsessed bugs.
19. Get an extension cord. Put one end in your mouth, and plug the other end into the wall each night while you do your homework. If your roommate asks about it, act as though you're ashamed for having been so foolish. The next day, pretend to drink some gasoline before doing your homework, and explain to your roommate that gas is cheaper than electricity.

10 ways to make your neighbour move

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors Each day hack off a different part of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances

2005-11-12T00:49:00.000-08:00

***Airline cabin announcements***

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.

2005-11-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boys voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" its already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

2005-11-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that
the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you
wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says......

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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14 things a man can do in the store while his wife is taking her time :

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone:'Code 3 in Housewares'... and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask:"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

14. Go into a trial room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here."

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A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money.
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman.

She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."

When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."

About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there.
She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.
As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche-it's a Ferrari.

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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

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There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day
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Funny laws....but how true !!!!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

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Top 21 that an Indian follows when he/she returns to india after being abroad for sometime.

21. Tries to use Credit Card in road side Hotel.

20. Drinks and carries Mineral Water and always speaks of Health. (proving to be very health conscious).

19. Sprays DEO such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "Got To Go" instead of "Have To Go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in KiloMeters), and counts in Millions.(Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y, Zee (but never says Zed).

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY & on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "Mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important stuffs:-

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

And The Ultimate One:-

1. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

2005-11-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

Tech Support

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "There's something wrong with my keyboard!"
Tech Support: "What seem to be the problem?"
Customer: "I am missing the 'any key' button!"

2005-11-08T03:19:00.000-08:00

Funny Driving Test Answers

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate number.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long

What Top Posters Know and Do

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Top 10 Things Not To Say To a Cop

10 That uniform makes your a** look really big.

9 I wanted to be a cop but decided to finish high school instead.

8 You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7 Didn't I see you get your a** kicked on Cops?

6 I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

5 Gee, thanks! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

4 A 9mm? Sheesh! Check out this .44 magnum!

3 Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

2 Here- hold my beer so I can reach my license.

1 Aren't you that guy from the village people?

Reasons why a Motorcycle is better than women

1. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.

2. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

3. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

4. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

5. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

6. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

7. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

8. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

9. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

10. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

2005-10-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

True Words

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm
while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does
know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

A: No, your real dad was there. Do you have any idea why that picture turned out as mine?
______________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.

Payback

One evening last week, my wife & I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Coded messages

A mother had three daughters. Prior to their weddings, she tells each one to write to her about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let their mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper, checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop....." Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there comes a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE." Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

Cricket Team ransom !

A man is caught in a traffic jam, when suddenly someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asked what he wants. The man says, "Our Cricket Team is kidnapped and the ransom is 50 million dollars. If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the Team with Petrol and set them on fire. We are taking up a collection, do you wish to contribute?" The man in the car asks, "On an average what are people donating?" The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 liters....!!

I like your thinking

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Jonny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

The Amazing Claude

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....
" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Read till the end!

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!" … said the Baby Photographer.

Keeping in time with the bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm: Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "if that ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Stella Awards!

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The
jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles

2005-10-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

Blondes Curtains

Blondie enters a store that sell curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

2005-10-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

Super Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs.. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Always a hole behind you ….

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

2005-10-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

How to Please Your I.T. Department...

- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

- When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

- Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

oct 2

2005-10-02T01:55:00.000-07:00

Husband Wife Jokes

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

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Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

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A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different,
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

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One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

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A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

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A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it.

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument & neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, & pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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A Husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife
replied,

"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, What?”

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A husband said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so Stupid & so beautiful all at the same time”.

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and husband was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his
wife. "You will bring out the animal in me."... "So what?" his wife shot> back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

Smuggling!

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two
large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?'
'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night
and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but
pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into
new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross
the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?'
'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and
crosses the border on his bike.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal,
meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between
you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'.

Banta and his Photograph

SANTA SINGH: oye Banta what happened with you?

BANTA SINGH: yaar I was coming in the bus, with a
packet of photographs in my hand, suddenly the packet fell downand I started to recollect the photographs.

SANTA SINGH: then what happened?

BANTA SINGH: One photo was lying under a woman, I said mam will u please lift your skirt I have to take a photograph, and the whole crowd beat me cruely.

Only Wine can make her look Good

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

This is WOMEN

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Old Wit

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea.

Student Teacher Jokes

Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday

Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......
japan

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Studentto teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.
Teacher:Go run after it.

Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.

Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'

Ganguly Bashing

Q) What is common to a 100 meter race and Ganguly's innings?
A): They both last the same time.

Q) How can you say "Get Out" to Ganguly politely?
A): Ask him to go to bat.

Q) If Rahul is "The Wall", what is Ganguly?
A): The hole in the wall.

Q) How can Ganguly save time every day?
A): By not bothering to pad up.

Q) Who is the only cricketer who does not bat, bowl or field and yet plays international cricket?
A): No comments.......

Q) Why has Saurav Ganguly been recommended as the fielding coach for India after retirement?
A): No one else can provide catches as easily as Ganguly.

Q): What is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A): Gone in 60 seconds.

Q) What is the Height of Optimism?
A): Ganguly applying sunscreen cream on his face when he goes out to bat.

Shoiab Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I
haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am
quick but he is quickest," he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way through my run up."

Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His
sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are
also planning to endorse Ganguly.

Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and
padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know
there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken
world records a few times in this series," says the Indian
dimunitive wicketkeeper.

Railways keen on Ganguly: At least we'll have someone who comes
(back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the
Indian public.

Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat
nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.

Dada Ganguly had been drinking too heavily before going to bat on black Monday. He staggered up to Greg Chappell and confessed that he could see three of everything.
"Well," said Greg Chappell , "when you get out there and the three balls come towards you, just hit the middle one."
Later Ganguly weaved his way to the crease and you all know what happened after that. He was just clean bowled soon.
When he made his way back, "What happened?" demanded Greg. "Didn't you try to hit the middle ball?"
"Izzzezzzzezzz Yeshhhh," replied Dada, "but I used the outside bat!"

Proud Fathers

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, he then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studie! d in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame ...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

2005-10-01T03:29:00.000-07:00

THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A GOLF CLUB
in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

1.back straight,knees bent,feet shoulder width apart.

2.form a loose grip.

3.keep your head down.

4.avoid a quick back swing.

5.stay out of the water.

6.try not to hit anyone.

7.if you are taking too long,please let others go ahead of you.

8.don't stand directly in front of others.

9.quiet please....while others are preparing to go.

10.don't take extra strokes.

well done! now flush the urinal, go outside,and tee off.

Little Johnny

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her
while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good", and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!" The teacher fainted.

Happy Couple

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on
shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent person," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Another Couple

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Health Q & A session

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn and what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Cop Jokes

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Taxi Story

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers....

Beer and Ice Cream Diet
Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average desser tportion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!