Rubber

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

Empty Head

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

True Meanings Of Male Statements

 

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

 

Marriage Quotes

 

A perfect wife is one who helps her husband with the dishes.
- Anonymous

A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
- Andre Maurois

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.
- Joseph Barth

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.
- Andre Maurois, French writer

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
- George Jessel

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
- FTD customer

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
- Mae West, film actress

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
- Lord Byron

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
- Anonymous

Marriage isn't a word...it's a sentence.
- Anonymous

If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks.
- Cynthina Nelms

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.
- Cher

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
- Dr. Joyce Brothers

I've been married three times - and each time I married the right person.
- Margaret Mead

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

If ever two were one, then surely we. If ever man were loved by wife, then thee.
- Anne Bradstreet, To My Dear and Loving Husband

True love means two seeds grow separately until they join in Matrimony forever.
- Alex, FTD customer